grow

The One Where I Sort of Freak Out

DISCLAIMER: the theme of this post started in one direction, and then somehow it got lost and a bit confused along the way…until in ended in exactly what it is now—my chaotic thoughts. Thoughts of a Mom who is overwhelmed with happiness and excitement at the impeding arrival of her second baby, but who is also freaking out. Β Bottom line. And when you freak out, your thoughts aren’t cohesive–hence this post.
A cupcake to those who make it through to the last line.

***

For more reasons than I can list on paper, this will be my last pregnancy.
However, for more reasons than I can list in my heart, this may only be the beginning.

When Ben and I got married, I had visions of a house full of kids.
Running, screaming, giggling, wrestling, coloring, crafting, doing homework at the kitchen table.
I would be the mom who baked yummy after school snacks and played hide and seek in the backyard.

Does this mean, with only two children, that I can no longer be the kind of Mom I envisioned?
Certainly not.

As an only child myself, I have fond memories of after school snacks and games in the backyard.
The number of babies I have will not determine the quality of their childhood.

The difference now though, as a parent myself, is that I have perspective.

When you create that vision of parenthood, you don’t take into account that real life issues and obligations like doctors appointments and your child’s speech & occupational therapy may soon replace those after school plans. Β You never imagine that the needs of one child may infringe on the quality time your other child deserves. And as a Mom, if you spend too much time thinking about these things, you can totally freak out.

Which is pretty much what I have been doing lately–freaking out.
About having two kids.
Two babies.
Two boys who need my constant love, attention and affirmation.

And to make matters worse, I compare.
I look at other Mom’s who are surviving with 2, 3, 4, or even 5 kiddos–and they are making it look easy.
Many of them are even single Moms.
And that comparing only makes me feel less capable.
My mind fills with self-doubt:
Why does this feel so hard to me?
Where will I find the added measure of patience I will need for another baby?
When will I ever sleep?

I saw a girlfriends status on Facebook the other day.
We are the same age, the only difference is that she already has 3 kids.
A 5 year old, a 3 year old and a newborn.
Her status told me she was visiting family in California while her husband stayed back home to work.
And all I could think about was her plane ride over here.
Surely it wasn’t easy. In fact, it may have even been a disaster.
But the fact is, she made the trip–by herself, without the added assistance from her husband.
And then she stayed here for at least a week–watching all those little ones on her own.
And I know I couldn’t do that.
Which sorta makes me feel weak.

And even though I know that “comparisons” exact intention is to make me doubt myself,
I can’t help it.

I know I’m a good Mom.
I know I’m the type of Mom who would sacrifice literally anything in the name of protecting her child or ensuring his happiness.
I know that I am making inspired decisions as I raise my boys.
I know that they will feel loved.
I just don’t know if it’s enough.

I feel like I should somehow be better at this.
Feel more confident in my abilities.

I have this fantasy that I will give birth to our second, precious baby boy…
and then he and I will be whisked away to a tropical paradise–just the two of us…
where we can bond without the interference of real life…
without a jealous big brother,
without a full email inbox,
without clocks…
Just for a little bit.
Just until he can lay on my chest all day long without any interruptions.
Just until he knows that he is loved to infinity and beyond.
Just until he can feel my undivided attention, the way Lil W was able to.

Because that’s my biggest fear.
A fear that he won’t know he is loved just as much.
A fear that he may not know…
that although he won’t have 100% of my attention,
he has 100% of my love.

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90 Comments

  • Reply
    chelseyadele
    May 30, 2012 at 11:10 pm

    I wish I could give you some kick butt words of encouragement but I am in the same boat as you with all those same thoughts, my 2nd on the way and a 21 month old little boy who is hard to imagine as more than just a little baby. All i can say is the lord is with us and I’ll include you in my prayers!

    • Reply
      Christina
      June 1, 2012 at 2:31 pm

      I felt this way also & sometimes still do! I am a 48 year old married Mom of a 16 year old boy & a 13 year old girl. I wanted more children & still do now that I just have a few years left with them I wish sometimes I had more. In the bottom of my heart I knew 2 was all I could handle. I have 2 hands one for each of them to hold. It is ok to know your limits that means that you want the best for the children that you have & you will do your very best to be the best Mom that those 2 kids ever had. You are special & God made you who you are & don’t ever compare yourself as a Mom to other Mom’s if you truly spent time with them you would see that they do things different than you do as a Mom & that you are the only Mom that your kids want & need because you were put on this earth just for them. Best Wishes

  • Reply
    Kate
    May 30, 2012 at 11:18 pm

    Ashley, I am so glad you wrote this scattered little post! I think perfectionism is both a blessing and a curse in motherhood. Certainly, without my perfectionism, our house would be a mess, the bills wouldn’t get paid on time, the fridge wouldn’t be stocked, ect. But it constantly makes me question myself. Am I good enough? Am I spending enough time with Claire just having fun? Am I involved enough? Do we already watch too many cartoons? And the list goes on. We all know we can’t be perfect at everything, including motherhood. We all know this, but we never act like we do. (I’m SO guilty of that today.) what all of my rambling is saying is that we are all together in not being perfect. And somehow, our children survive πŸ™‚ Hugs to you momma!
    -Kate

  • Reply
    summer
    May 30, 2012 at 11:20 pm

    Please know that you are far from the only mother on earth that has had these exact feelings! It is such a huge adjustment to go from 1 sweet little boy who is the center of your world to figuring out how to make your world go in 2 separate orbits around your 2 little ones. It is a learning process, but it is a journey well worth the worry. Having 2 boys has been the most wonderful adventure and now that they are 2.5 and 1 I can see a little glimpse of what we have ahead of us, of the love they have for each other. It’s pretty remarkable and such a testament to the fact that we lived together as a family before this earth life. My boys share a bond that so obviously extends far beyond the year that they have been together here on earth.

    Hang in there, you are in for a wonderful, crazy, stressful and beautiful ride Ashley! So excited for you!

    xoxo,
    Summer

  • Reply
    Samantha
    May 30, 2012 at 11:21 pm

    I understand EVERYTHING you say/feel in this post. My baby girl is scheduled to arrive just 2 days after my little man turns 2. It is exciting, overwhelming & so much more. I’m sure you will be fine & your boys will settle in together after an adjustment period.

  • Reply
    Trisha @ 3 Four and Under
    May 30, 2012 at 11:33 pm

    I totally understand how you are feeling. I felt the same way about 3 years ago when I was pregnant with the twins. I was going from one to three children. I was so overwhelmed. I’ll give you the same advice that I give everyone who asks me, how do you do it. My answer is you just do it. There is no other choice. You will be surprised that you can love the next child just the same as you love the first one. In my experience at 3 years old, W will probably not have very much jealousy. I know that you can do it! And a few years after the second is born, you will be surprised that you will forget all the bad things about pregnancy and want to have another one!

  • Reply
    Heather
    May 30, 2012 at 11:45 pm

    I can totally relate to how you feel. I had my second baby about a year ago, and I was nervous about how I would handle 2 kids because I felt busy enough with 1. And it is busy and crazy (plus I work full-time) but it’s wonderful having 2 and seeing the bond between siblings. Mine are almost 3 years apart (a boy and a girl) and they love each other SO much. And it’s true that your heart grows with each child. You don’t split the love you have… the love just grows exponentially! I have accepted the fact that my house will be a mess during this season in my life, because I simply cannot get it all done. But what is most important is the time you spend with your kids, not the time you spend on laundry. πŸ™‚ God will give you the tools you need, so don’t fear.

  • Reply
    Danyiel J
    May 30, 2012 at 11:47 pm

    I felt the same way with the arrival of my second baby right around the corner I thought about all the time that I had with my first to just snuggle, cuddle and quietly rock and read 10 books in a row without any interruption. I really don’t know how it happened but I really felt like I had more that, with the exception of the book reading, with my second which I think came from being more relaxed about being a mom. Particularly after my second went to bed I would just cuddle my newest while reading Enjoying the Small Things and we got to know Nella, Lainey and Kelle inside and out and I cried because her play list just spoke to me as a mom to my new little man. Really though, I think being more relaxed about knowing how to do things and feeling confident as a mom not necessarily as a mom to two but a mom.

    Just like no one can really tell you what giving birth is like or even what it is like to love your own child, no one can tell you that it will happen but it will. The new little guy will feel your love and you will find ways to carve out time and even whole days where little man will lay on his momma all day. You will be fantastic. You will just have to wait and see.

    Just like no one can tell you what giving birth is like or what it’s really like to be a mom, no one can tell you that it will just happen but you will do it

  • Reply
    Christine
    May 30, 2012 at 11:47 pm

    I just had to have a soft laugh. SO MANY MOMS FEEL LIKE THIS!
    As a mother of 5, who at one time was a single mom with 2, it is easier than you think. In fact, my youngest two are only 13 months apart! (Not planned) You are adding them one at a time, you get to know them so you know how to take care of them. Going out shopping, plane rides, car rides, church, everything-you will KNOW your kids, you WILL be able to handle the balancing act. And you have support, something some women don’t have. Support through your family and your ward.

    Enjoy the little things, someday you’ll look back and realize they were the big things!

    The Lord doesn’t send us anything we can’t handle. Good luck! And prayers for a calming presence and easy delivery!

  • Reply
    Sandy A
    May 30, 2012 at 11:59 pm

    I am a mother of three–the first two twelve months apart–the second and third child are 18 months apart. Everyone thought we were more then crazy–how would we give the time and care to each of our babies. But we knew we could because in our hearts we knew we what children need is time with you, Period! Not quality time–just your time. The times you are busy nursing one you sing with or talk to the others, when you are cooking you dance and sing in the kitchen, when you make beds you make a fort or a parachute out of a sheet or blanket, you just have little pieces in the day you give to them and that makes all the difference in the world. You are there. That is all they want. When you have more time for those special days with them that is just wonderful and you do that too. But all three of our children have told us their most special memories were of day to day events. Kissing noses goodnight, a picnic lunch on the porch, eating the cookies warm from the oven, playing touchy toes while we all lay on the bed, They of course remember Disney World and going to the Lake and boating. But the first things they mention is those sweet little moments you give them on any plain day. Honestly–you will be fine–you will be more than fine!! Don’t fret–just sing and dance in the kitchen and kiss a nose goodnight and play some touchy toes. All will be well,,,

  • Reply
    Caryn
    May 31, 2012 at 12:04 am

    I often times feel like I’m not good enough as a mom. I have a 6yo and 3yo, and I’m not the kind of mom who likes to play barbies, or cars, or tea parties, etc. I have also spent the last 2 1/2 years in nursing school. While I know this is better for my family in the long run, and I feel I’m setting a good example for my kids to never stop learning, I still constantly worry about not being able to spend as much quality time as I’d like with them, and that time is slipping away. We all have to make do with our own strengths and weaknesses as moms and know that we are doing OUR best. It probably won’t measure up to the ideal we pictured in our head when we were first pregnant, but life is all about adjusting and adapting to the current reality we live in.
    I also felt bad for my second baby not getting one-on-one time like my first did, but it turns out that during her first year in kindergarten he wasn’t going to preschool yet, so he got to have one-on-one time with both me and my husband while she was at school. I’ve really enjoyed this time just with him. Nothing will ever be equal between the two kids, but most things even out in the end.
    As long as they know they re loved, fed, and taken care of by us, we are doing a pretty great job πŸ™‚

  • Reply
    Brittany Davis
    May 31, 2012 at 12:05 am

    YOU are an AMAZING mom with such a big heart. and that is where all your worry comes from – your big heart! this baby is going to feel JUST as loved as lil W because of how caring and giving you are! LOVE YOU

  • Reply
    Heather - Dollar Store Crafts
    May 31, 2012 at 12:06 am

    Being a parent is really, really hard. That is all.

    • Reply
      Michelle
      May 31, 2012 at 2:37 pm

      Best thing I’ve seen written on this wall. Ever. And its the most true thing I’ve ever seen as well.

      Seriously.

      And just remember, YOU are the only person who can love your babies the way you do.

  • Reply
    Krista Bolton
    May 31, 2012 at 12:10 am

    My goodness, you are totally reading my mind today – I have had the most emotional, freaking-out kind of day today. I’m due to have my 2nd baby (a girl!) and I’m terrified! I have a 2 year old boy who I’ve devoted every day of his life to his happiness and I’m so worried that with the new baby he will be getting less attention, and that the new baby won’t be getting the attention that I was able to give the older one as a newborn.
    Great post today! Says exactly what is on my hormonal, pregnant, crybaby mind today… πŸ™‚

  • Reply
    [email protected]
    May 31, 2012 at 12:29 am

    You’ll be great. I felt the exact same way when pregnant with my second son-I couldn’t fathom how I was going to grocery shop with a newborn and 17 month old! Now I have three boys-5, 3, and 9 months and I had the baby halfway through my husband’s last year long deployment (and he missed the birth!) As a mom you won’t fail-you’ll grow and learn and next year this time you’ll laugh that you were ever so nervous. I promise!

    Melissa

  • Reply
    Shelly
    May 31, 2012 at 12:52 am

    He will know!

    And the ways in which you get to show him that love may be different than with your first, but they will be in a way that suits #2 and his personality and needs.

    Parents of more than one always worry about balancing the time/affection/etc., but as long as you try, I assure you it will even out and be fair.

    And regarding thinking you couldn’t do that (flying alone with the kids etc.), when you just do it, you’d be surprised what you can actually can do. I would have said the same thing. In fact when I had my first child, one of my greatest fears was raising him alone when my husband would deploy (he’s military). It isn’t how I ever pictured being a mom, and I was terrified. I’ve done now twice raising kids alone for an extended period of time far away from family and with pretty much no friends around. It’s hard, but I think there must be a few secret powers that come along with the title of mom.

    It will be great becoming a family of four for you guys. And before you know it, you’ll wonder how it worked before the newest arrived.

    I’m expecting my third in two weeks. I can relate to your post in so many ways.

  • Reply
    Beth @ Through the Eyes of the Mrs.
    May 31, 2012 at 12:52 am

    I promise you I felt the same way when pregnant with our second little one. How could I ever love another child just as much as I do him. Will they always be getting what’s left of my attention and how on earth will we ever find the peace to bond and get to know each other. To read without the older one bursting in and to take classes just the two of us. Somehow it just happens and there is enough love and sure life gets in the way sometimes but each child has different needs and you will meet them. It will all get done and sometimes you will get behind but at the end of the day your home will be full of love. I always try to be honest and paint a true picture because life with three can be tough. I didn’t notice a huge difference going from one to two but the jump to three was exhausting. Things will change and routines will fall into place and you will do amazing with two. xoxoxo

  • Reply
    Johanna
    May 31, 2012 at 1:05 am

    I have two children, two girls who are 3 and 4 months old. Their birthdays are 6 days apart. I remember feeling this way and I can’t say that feeling of not measuring up really goes away. But, it was easier than I imagined. Don’t get me wrong, it’s hard. But it’s a good hard. I have my days when I have just sat on the steps and cried because everyone else was crying and that just seemed to be the thing to do…But it is still easier than I imagined. My girls love each other, and though there was some regression from the oldest, she loves her baby sister with all her little heart and that right there makes my heart just melt into a big fat puddle on the floor. I promise it will be okay. And stop comparing yourself. You are you, and your boys will love you regardless of the mistakes you make–because all Moms make mistakes. Its what we are mostly good at. And making up for those mistakes later, we are good at that too.

  • Reply
    Nicole @ This Little Momma
    May 31, 2012 at 1:07 am

    I wish I could just give you a big hug right now! I don’t quite know what you’re feeling because we are not there yet. But I could only imagine if I was preggers and had to chase Liam around (and then I start thinking about chasing him around with another baby). You’re a rockstar momma and I know that he and Wesley will both know how much you love them- they’re gonna be best buddies!! Love you friend and I will be praying for you!! xo

  • Reply
    Mackenzie
    May 31, 2012 at 1:14 am

    Ashley, thanks for sharing this. I bet you are an AMAZING mom! What a joy to be expecting another sweet baby. I’m grateful to read this, I have felt similar emotions and it’s nice to hear when other moms do too! I’ve heard from my mom and many other moms that your love multiplies with each baby. I wonder too if I have the capacity for more kiddos, but I know that God grants us the grace for the things that come our way in life. Blessings to you and your family!

  • Reply
    Bribedell
    May 31, 2012 at 1:15 am

    I felt this same way going from one child to two children. To be completely honest I didn’t feel instantly connected to my second baby. I knew what to expect with my c section & a newborn. I had done it before. When I brought her home to my 21 month old, it was pure jealousy & I felt like all we did was yell at our first. I bawled, I lost it. My mom called at that moment and she told me exactly what I needed to hear. Don’t feel guilty about making my first mind & not manipulating us. Yes it was a huge change for her but we still needed to hold our ground. She adjusted and became a wonderful, helpful big sister. It was the tough love I was scared of. Now we just added our third almost three months ago & I’ve never felt more relaxed about being a mom. Just take it a day at a time!!

  • Reply
    Liz Anderson
    May 31, 2012 at 1:18 am

    Ashley, you are so sweet and beautiful. Thanks for your honesty! You will do amazing. Comparison only hurts us. And I definitely think no matter how many kids you have its hard and beautiful and we are all on the same ride. I have four kids, five and under and the hubby left for two weeks to new york and we live in California and I swear to you I thought I was going to die. I knew I couldn’t do it. And I dreaded it. Other than friends…I have no family. But he left, was there and I was here. Guess what…we survived. I survived and we did it. The hubby is back now and I will have to do it again in a couple weeks. But the truth is…we all have weaknesses, we all struggle and life is funny. But posts like these make us stronger and build us up and we are there for each other through blogs, comments, etc. I don’t know you personally but I know you will be an amazing mother. And wether you have two or five kids the job is just as hard…I actuallly think two is harder. Take it easy!

  • Reply
    Saren
    May 31, 2012 at 1:26 am

    This is exactly what I’m struggling with. I’m pregnant with my second and also feel like this will be my last pregnancy.
    The comparisons to women with more children who make it look so easy can be overwhelming, but after reading your thoughts and how I feel the EXACT same way as you, it makes me feel more confident about my own abilities. Comparing myself to other women will always happen I’m sure, but it’s so wonderful to know that I am not weak, and neither are you. I so often can relate to what you write about. Thanks for that!!
    Xoxo saren

  • Reply
    Kailie
    May 31, 2012 at 2:05 am

    of course your little one will feel so much love from you! you are so amazing, keep it up!

  • Reply
    Ashley
    May 31, 2012 at 2:23 am

    I was scared too.
    Really scared.
    I had my second son four days after my first turned 2.
    If I said it was easy I would be lying
    but I will tell you this…

    You can do it.
    It will be worth it.
    We all compare… Those who say they don’t are lying.
    I had to give my son the smush face in Target parking lot today. Not my shining moment…
    Watching two boys grow up together is seriously the best gift.
    You will essentially be giving your first son the gift of a best friend.
    There is never enough time. Ever. My youngest has speech and my oldest has pre-school and we are starting soccer in the fall. We are moms, what we lack in showers and clean laundry we make up for in time management. Its just what we do.
    Take lots of deep breaths. Take the help your friends and family offer. Remember readjustment can look a lot like jealousy and everyone makes mistakes.
    And I know I only know you as blogger Ashley Stock but please believe me when I tell you….
    you got this… you so got this.

  • Reply
    Heather
    May 31, 2012 at 2:30 am

    You are not alone. I remember crying on the way to the hospital to have #2 because I thought I was depriving love from #1 by having another baby. You will love them both 110%. #3 and #4 were easier and I knew that I would love them all the same. The only thing that isn’t easy is taking ALL.FOUR.BOYS to the grocery store. I can handle three but not four. One of the middle boys has to be eliminated from the trip. πŸ™‚ Enjoy those little guys. They are so fun and you will do amazing!!! I love posts like this. Thanks for being real. Makes the rest of us feel normal.

  • Reply
    School Sparks Renee
    May 31, 2012 at 2:34 am

    Ashley – you are so honest and capable! Self-doubt is normal, but don’t give in to it! I can tell you without a doubt that other mothers are looking at you and wondering how YOU do it all – a terrific blog, being pregnant and having a little guy at home who needs your attention. Give yourself kudos for little stuff that you accomplish and keep your expectations reasonable! Good luck – I’ll be keeping track of what’s happening to you through this wonderful blog. Renee

  • Reply
    Ashley C.
    May 31, 2012 at 3:37 am

    I can so relate. My second son is 11 weeks old now and all those fears that I had while pregnant (the same as yours), have sort of come true in the last two months. I have caught myself thinking such terrible thoughts toward the newest little one because I’ve felt so stretched with my time, energy, and really, sleep. I’ve questioned why, or how, God could have given me this wonderful dream of a house full of kids when I am STRUGGLING to manage two. I feel like I’m doing all that I can to stay afloat everyday. But ultimately, the love is enough. I just need to stop criticizing myself. I need to accept help more often. And ask for it when needed. I need to remember that their littleness is just for a season. And I need to stop comparing. On the days when I’m going to lose it because I just can’t handle one more minute of a screaming baby, I need to remember that I’m a better mom if I just take 5 minutes to myself. Re-focus and know that God has entrusted THESE specific little boys to me (and you) for a reason. You’re equipped to do it. And do it well. You’ll be great!

  • Reply
    Amy
    May 31, 2012 at 3:46 am

    I have two little girls. My baby will be one next month and before she was born I was feeling that same things you are now. I was sure I would never be able to give my kids enough love, attention, insight, learning, everything, once there were two of them. Now that I’ve lived a year with two, I’ll say it’s not easy, and I still feel pretty inadequate at times. But both my girls love me and know that I love them. And I know that I’m doing the best I can. And that it’s enough.

  • Reply
    Lindsay Lee
    May 31, 2012 at 3:49 am

    I miss you so much! I need to see that adorable belly. xoxo You are doing an amazing job girl! So proud of you.

  • Reply
    Ashley
    May 31, 2012 at 4:08 am

    No matter how many kids a mom has, I don’t think it’s possible for us to go along in life without doubting ourselves or thinking others have it figured out, while we are lost. However, it all comes down to the fact that motherhood is hard for everyone…maybe not ALL the time, but at certain moments.

  • Reply
    Erica @ Acire Adventures
    May 31, 2012 at 4:08 am

    All your thoughts are normal, I think. It makes sense to be freaking out, to be comparing… Life is never as easy as it looks from the outside and we all fall into the trap of comparisons. If it’s any consolation at all, as the second and youngest child, I felt just as loved. By the time I was old enough to form memories, my mom had it down, she knew how to show her love to us. The thing is, you won’t show it equally to both of them – you can’t and shouldn’t. Each child has their own needs and personality and somehow, they need to be loved in different ways. So don’t try and force yourself to be the same mom to this new little guy that you were to Lil W when he was born because it’s just not necessary! He’ll show you what he needs the same way your first has and he has the bonus of having 3 people in the house to love him to pieces, while Lil W only had 2.

  • Reply
    Elisabeth
    May 31, 2012 at 5:15 am

    Dearest Ashley,
    I think you’re a great mom. πŸ™‚
    Love,
    Elisabeth

    (I’m SOOO tempted to come visit you and Nina this summer. Me, Elise, Nichelle, and Ashley totally want to make it happen.) πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚

  • Reply
    Jen Staffeldt
    May 31, 2012 at 5:23 am

    Both of your little guys are blessed to have a mom who loves them so much. I think you being brave enough to write this post shows what a great mom you truly are, Ashley. Give yourself some credit and some slack – you deserve it!! And just focus on enjoying Lil W and his new brother – everything else will work itself out.

  • Reply
    AbsoluteMommy
    May 31, 2012 at 6:07 am

    And this is why I love you and this blog something fierce. Seriously you are in my head. Mac is my last baby, because of too many reasons to list. And since she turned two every day I think about having another one, which I swore I wouldn’t!
    This was so honest and true, but I’ve got news for you. Something is going to come over you in your heart, and you will be out right shocked at how much love you are indeed capable of.
    I say that there aren’t enough hours in the day, but there are plenty of Loving hours in your heart!
    You won’t need an island getaway for you and baby #2, you will steal and make the best out of those moments. I thought and felt many of the same things you posted about before Mac, and there was no need for extra bonding time. It just happened.

  • Reply
    nicolette @ momnivore's dilemma
    May 31, 2012 at 6:29 am

    Ashley-

    Don’t we all wish early motherhood could be in a vacuum?

    but Because I had two c-sections {sigh}, my mom came to care for my toddler while I had those precious early bonding moments you speak of with son #2.

    I just hope you have some help after baby #2 arrives, as it is tough at first juggling the two kids.

    I feel ya on the OT and Speech. Just as my #2 son was to arrive, my oldest {then turning 2} began 4 hours of therapy each week. I remember sitting, on the floor, sleep-deprived, nursing…dreaming of the day my older son would talk…

    Now nearly 3 years later, I’m okay, but reading this post brought me back to where you are now.

    It’s hard. But, somehow, we make it thru. With coffee. And the occasional hot shower.

  • Reply
    Veronnica W.
    May 31, 2012 at 6:32 am

    I wish I would have freaked out before my 3 month old was born. Gotten it out of my system. But unfortunately I freaked out afterward. She’s my second child and I gave no thought to how life would be with two littles. Boy was I in for a surprise. The first night at home, I lost it. It continued for the next week and a half. Thoughts of death entered my mind. I wanted to die. How could I care for two babies? One was enough.

    But I got through it. And you will too. It’s hard, no lie. Somedays, I still struggle. I miss my life of the three of us. But Morgan, my daughter, brings so much more to our lives. Evan, my four year old, knows he’s loved. He loves his new sister and things will be okay. Cry, cry often and talk about your feelings to family and friends. They are there to support you. I found that I had many many more people there who loved and wanted to be there for me. Whether it was in emails, FB messages, phone calls or coffee dates.

    You’re not alone, friend.

  • Reply
    pricilla dickinson
    May 31, 2012 at 8:04 am

    Ashley, I haven’t ever commented before, but as a fellow mother I felt a little compelled. I share some thoughts as I sit here in the middle of the night, in my pig stye of a house, and my six sweet sleeping little lovers ages 8 and under (no twins) finally giving me some quiet time. I remember when I was very pregnant with my 5th child and feeling so completely like I was drowning, I sat next to this angel of a mother with 11 children in RS who looked even more tired than I. I leaned over as she held her newborn and I sat in agony from pregnancy and sheepishly asked, “How in the world do you ever decide when you are done and just cannot do this anymore?” Her answer was amazingly wonderful and relieving. She said, “I never make that decision until the new baby is 1”. Very simple and it made so much sense. Anyway, that was just what I needed at the time. I don’t know all of your circumstances and cannot pretend to know how difficult it has been for you to carry your children. It was just so nice at the time to give myself permission to leave it alone. Now as my youngest is nearing a year, I have absolutely no idea what comes next for me so I can relate to your thoughts in this great post.

    Please know that this is just my very own perspective, and everyone has different desires, abilities, valid reasons, and I am for surely not like the put together mothers you compare yourself to in the post. I think if your 2 babies make your cup full, than you will count your blessings forever. Don’t let the amount of children you have make you feel like you aren’t the awesomeness that you are. You are inspiring.

    Just one quick story that has got me thinking lately about my own choices (all my children were planned, no surprises). I get comments and stares when I take my children places…a lot. I can count on hearing “You really have your hands full.” at least 5 times for any given trip to Costco. But one thing that has touched me deeply is when those women who are obviously empty nesters and then some stop to take in the sight of us. . They tell me how many children they have and almost every. single. time. give a longing look and say… I miss those days…I wish I had had more. And I am there trying to grasp any single piece of sanity I can as I hope just to make it back to our big old van with all of us in tact as I heave huge amounts of food in it. It really changes my perspective. All of my experiences in the last almost 9 years have. I don’t pretend to pull it off gracefully, I am just doing the best I can and it usually isn’t pretty. But by now, I am okay with that. I love the Lord and have to depend on Him more than ever. I am not saying have more kids, but perhaps wait for a season, or two or three before you close any doors (unless you have a real medical thing that obviously you would not write a public blog).

    Also, as you look forward to your new baby, have courage. Second babies are almost always Soooooo much easier as you have done this before. It is an unbelievable difference. And older siblings adjust so quickly. My advice on that is always. If both babies need you at the same time(unless you are nursing at that moment), tend to the older one. They are the ones that need your reassurance right now. Put the new baby down, he can cry for a couple of minutes and will be oblivious to everything once you pick him back up. I received this advice with my second and I have never had adjustment issues. Also, even though it is a change, kids adjust amazingly quick. Like after 2 weeks, they won’t even really remember what it was like before.

    Please know that I really only mean to comfort your poor tired little soul as I feel so much compassion for pregnancy. People tell me all the time that it goes by so quick and I am starting to realize it is true. The family dynamic changes constantly as new ones come and the others go through different phases. There are times when I cannot bear to even take our family out of the house and then circumstances change, difficult phases pass and we can almost do things that regular sized families can do.

    Children are like buying school shoes when you were a kid. They are way big on you at first because you know you will grow into them. You can’t run around as well because there is too much room in them. I was not just a mom of 6 overnight and you are not expected to fill shoes as a mom of 2(on the outside) yet. But gradually, you will fill those shoes until they are just perfectly broken in and comfortable for you. I know my shoes are big, but I never would have fit into them in the beginning. Not even close. Motherhood changed me in the most wonderful ways and has more and more each time a new one comes. I grow. They fit. Its amazing.

    So, I had no idea all that was going to come out. That was long! Good luck to you and your sweet babies.

  • Reply
    Brittney
    May 31, 2012 at 8:17 am

    Dude I totally know how you feel. I feel like this all the time. I’m even mad right now that at 1:15 in the morning I’m reading blogs rather than journaling.. I have to remind myself that while these are the golden years where we are our kids everything, these are also the trenches. Somehow, one day at a time we keep going forward and trying harder next time and feeling more prepared in ways and then being humbled all over again. YOU are soooo amazing and such a good Mom and there’s no way anyone in your presence, let alone your children wont feel your love 100%. We do our best and the Lord makes up the difference.

  • Reply
    Lizelle
    May 31, 2012 at 8:59 am

    Hi! I had EXACTLY the same feelings when pregnant with my second baby and all I can tell you is – ITS GOING TO BE FINE! (hard to believe now I know – but trust me!) πŸ™‚

  • Reply
    Mary
    May 31, 2012 at 11:32 am

    As a mom of two boys (5 and 3) and expecting baby boy no. 3, I totally feel your fears. I can assure you though, that your boys will feel and know your love beyond measure. And they will come into their own ways of bonding and having their own personal time with you. And those precious moments will melt you! And you will be completely surprised how after a week or 2 it’s like baby no. 2 has been there all along πŸ™‚ Be easy on yourself!

  • Reply
    Stephanie
    May 31, 2012 at 11:50 am

    Yay! I get a cupcake. πŸ™‚

    I know, probably better than most what you are going through. Our oldest son has many special needs that require a lot of attention. I won’t lie. Adding our second was HARD, but we made it through. When I found out that I was expecting baby #3 I was terrified, but you know what? Our 5 month old has an amazing laid-back, smiley personality and she has turned out to be the most calming presence in our family. God has sent you the child that is right for you and your family. Maybe your new boy will be an amazing sleeper for the first few months. Each child brings different personality traits that contribute to a sense of balance. You’ll see, you feel out of balance now because you are incomplete with out him being there yet.

    Also, I will just through it out there because adoption out of foster care (where we found our son) is a passion for us…you don’t have to go through any more difficult pregnancies to add more children to your family if you still feel called to mother more than two. πŸ˜‰

    Best of luck to you, you will be an even more amazing mom as you gain more experience with two.

  • Reply
    xarlem creations
    May 31, 2012 at 12:45 pm

    I love those shoes!

    where did you buy them???????

    http://www.xarlemcreations.blogspot.com

    [email protected]

  • Reply
    Dani
    May 31, 2012 at 12:49 pm

    You are totally normal…I remember sitting in my living room touching my enlarged stomach with my lil’ Jedi inside, watching my K.bug play Mommy with her doll and thinking can I possibly love another as much as her….will you know that I love you as much as her…how when I won’t have as much time and energy. But you know what you do you can and YOU will. It is amazing the little things that God will put in place for you, those quiet moments when you can snuggle just him, those moments when the new one will get extra love because there are now three of you to love him. πŸ™‚
    You will still be that amazing mom that you are now you will just be amazing mom of 2 not just one.

  • Reply
    Elizabeth
    May 31, 2012 at 1:03 pm

    You are a good mom I can tell. You are worried about these things. I am only a dog mother but I was raised by a good mother so I know one when I see one. And I feel like this with dogs so can you imagine me as a mother. My mother was so worried about how I would feel about my brother when he was born so she told me he was for me and he was mine. We are 18 months apart. My mom said I really believed this and was so overprotective of him and would tell people not to wake my baby. My brother and I are still close 30 years later we talk no less than twice a week and his wife had to get onto him because the cell phone bill was outrageous since we sometimes talked during “peak” times and Skype too. We live 12 hours apart so its not like we can just stop by. Your oldest son may get jealous some but remember you just gave him a best friend for life! So don’t worry!

  • Reply
    Jenny
    May 31, 2012 at 1:19 pm

    Thank you for sharing–these things are not easy to put out there, I know. For me, the ‘unknown’ is my biggest fear. What is it going to be like? Can I do it? Am I going to mess this up? Are people going to judge me/my ability (or lack thereof)? And what I’ve found is that we have this incredible ability to adapt to any situation. You might have a rough start, but you will figure it out, and there will come a day when you think ‘huh. i was worried about that? pffsh. whatevs.’ You can do it, and you will do it beee-yootifully. Hugs πŸ™‚

  • Reply
    Mallory
    May 31, 2012 at 1:29 pm

    I think you have a-lot of these fears because you were an only child. Your new babies life is not going to be the same at all because he is not only getting the love from both you and your husband, he gets love from a big brother too. Being an only child you don’t fully understand the love you feel for & from your siblings. Sure they are going to fight… lots lol but in the end you have a best friend that no matter what happens in life they are there. Through absolutely everything you have someone who is going to help you in a way your parents just can’t. Sibling love is so strong! I have no idea what I would do without my sister and they will feel that same thing. Lil W’s is going to love the new babe in different way than you and it’s going to be AMAZING. Embrace & Enjoy!

  • Reply
    Karri
    May 31, 2012 at 2:19 pm

    I think everyone worries that they will not love the subsequent child as much as #1. You can’t grasp that feeling until the baby is born, but you will see. You will understand.

    As far as what we envision for ourselves vs reality… well…. I can say that I has this image of a beautiful pregnancy. Instead, I had 2 back two back pregnancies, both putting me on hospital bed rest for weeks, the second resulting in preemies and ending my pregnancy a trimester early. I never got my dream. I had this vision of quitting my job and having this beautiful SAHM experience with my 3. Instead I had months of colicky babies and horrid post partum depression. And a husband who traveled often. But to the world? I was a super mom who was holding it altogether and I put on a great act.
    So I guess what I am saying is…do what’s best for YOUR family and don’t envy the Jonses, because you just never know.
    There are times that I wish I could have another baby, and that my oldest asks for one, but I know that we made the decision we did because it was best for OUR family. I could not be on bed rest again, with 3 children to care for. I cannot handle more PPD. So instead, I focus on what I CAN do for my children– I am able to volunteer in their classrooms and go on field trips. I am able to put them in activities and take them on vacations. Just remember….embrace what you have. Hugs.

  • Reply
    maria
    May 31, 2012 at 2:48 pm

    I havent read the other comments so this may have been said, but you’re going to do great. The fact that you’re worried about this already means you’re a great mom. You’ll find that you are SO much more relaxed with the second one because you know what you are doing and don’t worry over every little thing. you let a lot more go. You realize things that you used to stress about are no big deal, you’ll let your house get messy or eat take out a little too much, but it’s ok. In the end you the time with your kids is what is best for them. We used to call my second “the forgotten child” because she’d play on the floor or sit in her bouncy chair or swing, or just ride on my hip and you’d almosr forget she was there. I wasn’t in her face all the time like I was with the first making sure he was happy every second. She is now the happiest, independent little girl who is able to entertain herself and can leave my side. Can’t really say that about my first.
    Just try to relax and it enjoy it and don’t worry about being perfect. Perfect doesn’t really exist. There is always enough love to go around. There is more than you ever thought possible.

  • Reply
    Ashley hart
    May 31, 2012 at 4:52 pm

    I hope you remember me from creative estates, but I just want to tell you, growing up I always thought my parents should have done more. In fact for a while I was upset with them, but here I am grown up, looking back and realizing my parents did fantastic at what they did. They raised me, even though maybe my dad didn’t say I love you to my face every day, he shows it in a incredible manly way. And my mom does things that most moms don’t care to do.. She isn’t the crafty mom, she spent a lot of time at work, but my parents did a good job, and I can’t explain how great they did with out crying. I know now what I didn’t realize then that they were being parents and doing the best they could, and that is the best parenting ever.

  • Reply
    Aunt Debbie
    May 31, 2012 at 5:06 pm

    Monkey Woman, you are an amazing mother, wife, daughter and niece and Wesley and #2 are very, very lucky indeed. You are so caring and giving and loving and both of them will always know and feel that 100%. I am so proud of you sweetie. I love you with all my heart. Bubbie

  • Reply
    Evelyn
    May 31, 2012 at 5:14 pm

    After reading this and Mandy’s post on her blog, I am now more certain than ever that I do not want anymore kids. I will just spend every minute of my time to making sure my daughter is loved and cared for. That she doesn’t feel lonely. That she is happy being an only child.

    For her sake and mine I know we are making the right decision.

  • Reply
    Katy
    May 31, 2012 at 5:37 pm

    The first thing I thought of when I read your post was this amazing piece from a few months ago that I read, and wanted to share: http://www.ncregister.com/blog/simcha-fisher/to-the-mother-with-only-one-child

    I don’t know what it’s like yet to have a second child. But I know your fears and that feeling of not being adequate. Oh how I wish there was a way to reduce or eliminate those types of things from our collective psyche and remove all the things around us that contribute to that. We’re so good at judging ourselves, we rarely need anyone else to add fuel to that fire.

    Your boys will be loved. And you will find a new rhythm, and it will be magnificent. And your heart and your paper may be at odds again in the future. My only thought is that your heart is with you always, and paper can be thrown away and replaced or remolded into something else.

  • Reply
    Heather
    May 31, 2012 at 6:36 pm

    Oh girl. NO WORRIES. If it makes you feel better, I know exactly how you feel. EXACTLY. I too am about to welcome my second child- another boy as well- and I have been feeling all things you are. We’ll manage. We’ll get through. It may not be pretty 100% of the time, but God has blessed us with these kids because He knows we can do it- even if we doubt it at times! :0)

  • Reply
    Christy Johnson
    May 31, 2012 at 7:12 pm

    Oh this post totally brought tears to my eyes. You wrote down everything that has been sitting in my heart the whole time I’ve been pregnant with our second. I’m a full-time working mom and I have NO idea how I’m going to provide everything my children need when I’m away from them so much. I guess we just have to take it one day at a time. Hang in there.

  • Reply
    Kari
    May 31, 2012 at 7:36 pm

    Sometimes I feel like we are twins in the way that we think. I often start blog posts in one direction and finish in a completely different one all the time. Also, I think “freaking out” is a synonym for worrying and wanting the best all the time…I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that. You are an awesome mother already to BOTH your boys. Look how much you have sacrificed of yourself to bring this baby into the world. You are amazing, Ashley.

  • Reply
    Lori
    May 31, 2012 at 8:09 pm

    I often get down on myself when I see mom’s with a lot of kids close together. I know that will never be me. I thought it would be until I had my first child. He requires a lot more of me than I ever could have imagined. Making sure my 18 month old gets the love and attention she needs is a continual battle. I still hope to have a large family, but there is no way we will be done by the time I’m 30 (our original plan). I have to remind myself of what is most important often. My life is FULL and happy right now. I feel very blessed and very challenged at the same time. I know that I just need to focus on doing MY best RIGHT WHERE I AM AT and have faith that God will take care of the rest. (I also have to continually remind myself how different each child is! Now that I have two I know that some are much easier than others! Don’t be too hard on yourself.)

  • Reply
    Ashley
    May 31, 2012 at 11:32 pm

    I’m newly pregnant (9 weeks) with my second and I have a lot of the same doubts you have. I feel like I should b able to do this since I know I’ma good parent but at the same time what will it be like raising another baby? With my first he was spoiled because he was it, the only grandkid, the only child in our family. Now he will share the lime light.

    It’ll be fun though πŸ™‚ You’ll be amazing I think because you are aware of your strengths and weaknesses πŸ™‚

  • Reply
    Heather
    June 1, 2012 at 12:09 am

    I have two kids 4 years apart. I remember wondering how my son would fit in with my husband, daughter, and myself. I was really worried about how my daughter would react to a new baby in the home. Wonderfully she, a bit of a handful at the time, took to the situation like a pro. She LOVED helping and being the older sister. It definately changed her for the better.
    One way that I feel really bonded my son to me is that I never looked away from him before he looked away from me. If he was looking at my face or into my eyes I really made a point of having him being the one to break visual contact. It may sound silly, but I think it makes a difference.
    You are a great mom. You would be a great mom with 2 or 202 kids. I can tell that. You’ve already had one child. Having the second one is a walk in the park. There is an adjustment period, but don’t worry, you got this.

  • Reply
    Alexis
    June 1, 2012 at 12:36 am

    I can tell you are so sincere. And know that your thoughts and fears are 100% valid. I could see myself feeling completely like this with a 2nd baby on the way! Being a mom is tough. Way harder than we envision at 8 years old when we think about the delicious after school snacks πŸ˜‰

  • Reply
    Brandie
    June 1, 2012 at 1:03 am

    I’m a mom of 3 and i remember feeling exactly this way! I just kept replaying all the things i did with my 1st little boy and how he was my whole world….i couldn’t understand the ability to rightly divide my time, and i couldn’t bear the thought of my 2nd son not knowing what it was like to be the center of attention. And then he was born…..and he was sooo incredible different from my 1st and yet it was the same. I felt a little more familiar I knew some of those cries and what they meant, i didn’t always second guess every decision! And best of all he responded to me immediately he knew me and he loved me and i believe he felt safe because i had navigated this road before! I can’t explain how it will all work out or how you will manage to meet both of their needs or how baby boy #2 will have all the attention he needs, but having been there before, I CAN tell you they both will be well taken care of and this new baby will have the added benefit of a super awesome big brother πŸ˜‰ I hope you enjoy every minute and just commit it all to Christ! He’s the best at working everything out for good!

  • Reply
    kristen duke photography
    June 1, 2012 at 3:31 am

    just love them, they will not doubt.

  • Reply
    Rosey
    June 1, 2012 at 3:46 am

    I had twin boys first and I suppose they have just had to share everything, including me, from before they were born. It took a little while before I felt ready for another one. I had another boy when they were 3 1/2. I worried that this new baby would be lost in the dust of his big brothers. Everyone is drawn to my big boys because there are two and so twice as cute. Would my little guy be able to hold his own? The moment my little baby met his big brothers, all were smitten with each other. I had many of the same thoughts you have had–would I be able to spread my love equally and as well with three as with two? Well, the little guy receives love not just from me, but his big brothers are so good with him and just shower him with love and attention. I just love watching my boys together. And, knowing your beliefs are very similar to my own, I would like to add that you have lots of help. Heavenly Father helps you and gives you the strength you need for your children and He helps you discover ways to fulfill your children’s needs. πŸ™‚
    Best of luck to you!

  • Reply
    Amy
    June 1, 2012 at 12:04 pm

    I have 2 (dreamed of having many, and can’t for complicated & probably similar reasons); and although we will always wonder and “what-if,” life is good. My girls are 8 and 4-1/2 and we are happy. You will be, too. God bless.

  • Reply
    Shannon Boozer
    June 1, 2012 at 1:07 pm

    Thank you so much for being so honest and inspiring all the time! You are amazing…I posted about you on my blog today and wrote my own story of postpartum depression and my 2nd child… which you inspired! Thank you for making me not feel so crazy! πŸ™‚ Blessings for you and your family!

    http://bellacaiden.blogspot.com/2012/06/postpartum-secret-lmm-love.html
    Here is the link if you would like to check it out!!!

  • Reply
    Danielle
    June 1, 2012 at 1:47 pm

    You will be fine. I was worried about that too. You will ALL get into a new normal and adjust. You’ll love all of your boys….do your best and try to enjoy every second…

  • Reply
    Jana
    June 1, 2012 at 7:58 pm

    I couldn’t resist leaving a comment. I just wanted to tell you that you are giving your son the greatest gift of all. He is going to love his brother so much. Coming from a large family myself, I feel that siblings are an extension of my mother’s love, not a loss. Three years ago we found out that my dad has dementia and this past November we found out my mother has pancreatic cancer. If I did not have siblings I don’t know what I would do. Once my parents are gone, I will still have a family. I also have three kids of my own with another on the way. They are extremely excited for this new baby. My oldest tells me often that he wishes we had 8 kids!! He loves playing with his brother and sister more than he ever loved playing with me! Lil W is going to be jealous at first, of course, (most kids are) but it passes and he is going to enjoy that brother more than you can imagine. You will soon realize what a great blessing you are giving Lil W! Wishing you a safe delivery and healthy baby!

  • Reply
    em
    June 1, 2012 at 8:02 pm

    Ashley, I only met you briefly at the mall in Chey-town at Christmas but I’ve been a long-time blog follower. You are an amazing momma! The freak out moments will come and go, the trick is to turn them into strengthening moments where you realize YOU CAN DO IT! Your heart and hands and lap will be able to accommodate all your boys’ needs, and you’ll realize that we all have our own strengths and weaknesses and we rely on each other for so much support, advice, tips and tricks. And eventually, you’ll turn a deaf ear and blind eye to everything that’s being thrown in our faces these days about how we’re never good enough and we’re doing our kids all kinds of disservices by raising them the way we are. Our job as mommas is to love our kids, and to give them roots as well as wings. Do your best, that’s all that matters πŸ™‚

  • Reply
    Kassi @ Truly Lovely
    June 1, 2012 at 8:13 pm

    I haven’t had one yet and I worry about how good of a mom I can be… How much to divide my attention between the little one and my husband. How to love both of them and everyone else in my life completely. It’s hard girl! But you’re rocking this momma thing! Lil W is precious and new baby will be too!

  • Reply
    Leslie Marquez
    June 1, 2012 at 8:50 pm

    I hate to break it to you, but that dream of having “special time” with your newborn and your fears about how much attention they get, it never goes away, no matter how many kids you have. I have four kids (three girls ages 6,5, and 18 months, and a boy who is 3), I work full time, run a full household with my husband, and I craft and blog on the side. And people like me with this many kids have the ability to make it look easy, but it what you don’t see that is what you need to keep in mind. Inside, I am constantly a wreck. There is always something to worry about, but you learn to prioritize those worries, or forget them altogether when one of your kids comes up to you just to give you a hug. You’ll get through it. You have no idea of what you are capable of until it becomes necessary. Girl, your also pregnant, you have so many hormones running through you right now, I am impressed that you are able to type and think at the same time. Anyway, good luck, and quit freaking out, You’ll be fine!

  • Reply
    Michelle {the Momma Bird}
    June 1, 2012 at 9:02 pm

    oh if those weren’t my thoughts when I was pregnant with our 2nd little one. Our 1st son was just 7 months old when I found out I was pregnant again and I felt HORRIBLE. I felt like such a bad Mom to our oldest bc I felt like I was robbing him of that special 1-on-1 time while he was little and then I felt bad bc I knew our oldest would still need that 1-on-1 and he wouldn’t get what at least our oldest had.
    But.
    2 yrs later, I’m now pregnant with kiddo #3 (gender to be determined in 1.5 wks) and I still have some of those same worries.
    I believe you have those worries because you truly care and want to be the best Mom you can, and that my dear is what makes you a GREAT Mom. πŸ™‚
    You will be great. And it will all work out πŸ™‚
    xoxo

  • Reply
    Becky
    June 1, 2012 at 9:54 pm

    We are about to start trying for #2 and I freak out constantly about it. I KNOW I want another child, but I share all your same fears PLUS I’m scared it will be too hard to handle them both. But I watch so many people do it, so I know I can too.

    I just know my kids will be better people and more well rounded if they have siblings. Even though sometimes I think about how wonderful it would be to just give our little man even second of our attention, I know I would regret not giving him a sibling later on.

  • Reply
    Jennifer
    June 2, 2012 at 12:48 am

    Sorry, No words of wisdom from me but just know that they’ll know they’re loved and everybody will make it through. I have a 22 month old and a three month old and my oldest, Annabel, has glimmers of jealousy and whatnot but she really has taken to Sam. It’s been tough at times but there are those perfect moments (those moments where your heart overflows with joy) that get you through the toughness to that next perfect moment. You can do it!
    Oh and you owe me a cupcake, preferably a funfetti one πŸ™‚

  • Reply
    Melanie
    June 2, 2012 at 2:36 am

    I’m pregnant with baby #4 and I DON”T have it all together. I wouldn’t ride an airplane alone with the kids or even with my hubby for that matter – it’s too much for me. I get overwhelmed and have the same thoughts and feelings as you do! I never planned to have my last three kiddos back to back and I often cry to my husband and mom because I haven’t been able to bond with this next baby coming! we don’t even have a name for him. I feel like I won’t be able to handle it all and I can’t even handle it now! I totally get it! A lot of us mom’s feel that way!

  • Reply
    Kristin @ The O.C.D. Life
    June 2, 2012 at 3:55 am

    I stumbled across your blog just now and I am so glad that I did. I am a mommy of a 3 year old daughter and I can totally relate to you. I question myself all the time whether I am a good mom. I even break down at times because I feel like a failure. My husband doesn’t understand my emotional rollercoaster half the time and I have no way of explaining it to him. It is definitely an internal thing. We are about to try to have a second baby and I am sure I am going to feel the exact same way you are. Just know that you are not alone! Big hugs from one young mommy to another.

    Thank you for this post and I am definitely following your blog now.

    xoxo,
    Kristin

  • Reply
    Phyllis
    June 2, 2012 at 3:01 pm

    This could not have come at a better time (your post that is). I have been feeling the same exact way. Filled with self doubt, confidence, my capabilities, and just about everything else I thought I’d be as a mum. My son in only 13 months old. He is a hand full. I love him dearly, but some days are harder than others. The thought of having another one scares me. I can barely make it with one, I can’t even begin to think about another or let alone 4 kids like we previously planned. Thank you so much for sharing. It’s heartwarming to know there is someone else feeling the same way. With that said, I’m a firm believer that all your worries will be subsided and somehow it will all work out.

  • Reply
    Deanna
    June 2, 2012 at 3:26 pm

    When my daughter was 19 months, we found out I was pregnant again. We were so excited to bring a new baby into our lives…then, at a doctors visit we found out it was TWINS. I cried. My heart sank because at that moment I knew my daughter would never get the attention she was used to. I would forever be swallowed up in all things infants. At 29 weeks I delivered my beautiful twins. A 3 lb girl and 3.6 lb boy. Both in desperate need of oxygen. Whisked away to NICU I realized they were exactly what my family needed to be complete..then I confirmed with the doctor to tie my tubes:) after 2 months in NICU and my daughter still never have met them I brought them home…my daughters first words, were, “hi caliou” because my new baby girl was as bald as anything. I laughed and knew life would be hectic, but it would be ok. 7 months later my daughter has adjusted with having two demanding siblings. She still has her moments, but when she holds the baby’s hands and kisses them I know God had a plan. It’s going to be tough, but your boys will do all those fun brother things together:) you will sit back and wonder what you would do with out them.

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    Chaunie
    June 2, 2012 at 6:11 pm

    I felt the exact same way when I was pregnant with my 2nd. There is just something about going from 1 to 2 that is so scary! I panicked the entire pregnancy about if she would know she was loved, how on earth I would manage 2, and how much harder everything would be.

    The truth is–it’s not at all what you expect! It’s a little juggling in the beginning (especially if you nurse), but it gets so much easier when you have two and they can play together. It’s a wonderful thing to know that no matter what you have done, your children will always have each other. πŸ™‚

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    Julie Jones-Zarvos
    June 2, 2012 at 10:26 pm

    I have 2 children. An almost 5 year old boy, and a 2 year old girl. I can relate to your fears, and your desire to create that perfect picture of the family you have envisioned. I really like the age distance in my kids, which is pretty similar to yours. You are not robbing Lil W of his baby/toddler hood, you are giving him the best gift you could ever give him! A playmate, a best friend, a side kick, a brother. He is going to be your big helper when the baby comes, and this will help him grow his independence and make him proud. I DO encourage you to enjoy your hospital stay. Use that time that you have in the room when it’ s just you and your new baby, enjoy a day with him on your chest like you want. Even if it means politely declining visitors, and saying no thank you to a nurse who asks if you want her to take the baby to the nursery. Soak it up.
    In the beginning I felt like I was trapped in my house. I thought that was easier than getting my toddler and infant out and about. But I eventually got the routine down.
    You learn little tricks, like while in a parking lot get the baby situated in the stroller or your sling, before getting your toddler out, that way they aren’t running in front of cars and things like that..that would be bad.=) Costco shopping carts will be your best friend with the “2 seater” they come equipped with. If you are at a store with normal size carts you put the infant seat in the “big part” of the cart and the toddler in the buckled seat. That way you have peace of mind that the baby will not get pushed off the cart by the toddler..just saying. Or you wear the baby in the sling, which allows for more space. The sit’n’stand stroller is kinda nice sometimes, it makes the toddler feel older and cooler not having to sit next to the baby in a double stroller, and you can still have them buckled!
    You can do this! keep the perspective on hard days. And know that it is hard for everybody sometimes, even the ones making it look easy. Pictures make everything look easier. Sometimes it’s on my “hard” days that I post on my blog about a “good” day and fill it with rosy pictures and words. It makes me see the good things, and that hard day becomes easier. So next time you see a blog about mom with 5 kids skipping on the beach and baking apple pies, just think to yourself, “wow she must be having a hard day”. haha Hang in there mama!

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    Amy Lynn
    June 3, 2012 at 12:39 am

    I’m not a mother, so I can’t speak from experience. But my mom and I are very close and she’s told me many times over how she wishes she could go back and be a better, more competent mother. That if she could, she’d change this or that. She was constantly being compared with her sister-in-law by her mother-in-law. Despite the things she would change if she could, my two brothers and I have had an abundance of love and guidance from her. She’s loved us differently and given us attention in different way – because we’re each so different, she can’t love us each the same. I know you are/are going to be a great mother to your two boys — don’t let yourself play the comparison game, it’s never healthy or constructive in ANY situation. lots of love.

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    meghan
    June 3, 2012 at 12:56 am

    I’m about to have baby number four…we were “done” at 2 as well, but my birth control failed (twice) and we will have two additional blessings. My kids are now 9, 5, 3 and due in a few weeks. I’m one of those moms that tries desperately hard to make everything look easy and put together for the rest of the world, while I’m crashing inside. If you check out my blog, you’ll see that my life has taken a dramatic and icky turn during this pregnancy after discovering my husband’s affair. Yet, my friends in real life dont have a clue. I work full time, try to be mom of the year to each of the kids in each of their respective little worlds, and its HARD. I have mini breakdowns constantly (in my closet, not in front of them lol). Raising kids is just challenging, plain and simple. And its challenging for everyone, even those that pretend that everything is a-ok ALL the time. But as for the love…it always comes and theres always enough to go around. You are an amazing mom and your role will change, but you will be just fine!

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    kristen
    June 3, 2012 at 2:41 am

    You sound like the most wonderful mother and your sons and husband are so blessed to have you. Trust in God and have faith that all will work out as it is meant to – You have and will continue to have a beautiful, blessed life!!!!!!! Wishing you all the happiness in the world!

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    Koren
    June 6, 2012 at 2:46 am

    I am a single mother of two boys…a 15year old (driver’s ed, eek!) and an almost 11 year old with special needs. I have been divorced almost 6 years and for the last 2+ years I have had 100% custody. People always ask “how do you do it?!” The short answer is “I just do.” Sometimes I do it better than others, sometimes (like tonight) we have sandwiches for dinner and that’s ok. I can look around me at anytime and see friends who have more kids than me or more challenges or less kids and fewer challenges, and I realize that everyone’s capacity to “do” is different. Sometimes I get overwhelmed but I just try to remember that whatever is overwhelming me at the moment…laundry, fevers, therapy appointments, high school drama…will pass. Just take one day at a time, or sometimes one hour at a time. Ask for help when you need it. And trust your momma instincts, they will never fail you!

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    Lisa
    June 11, 2012 at 5:36 pm

    I read your blog often. Let me encourage you, you will do well with the kids God gives you! My prayer during my second pregnancy was that he (the baby) would be the sibling that my daughter would need and God has in so many ways graciously answered those prayers! They are now 12 and 10- unbelievable- time flies. It is hard at times, but truly I love being a mom more and more with each year that passes. Only piece of advice I give, is what was given to me. When the new baby cries and your toddler needs something, it’s ok to make the baby wait. The baby will never know the difference! Don’t second guess yourself & when the time comes you will have a peace when your family is complete- not matter the number.

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    chrystal
    June 21, 2012 at 1:28 pm

    Sister, you will be JUST fine.. there’s not a doubt in my mind. I am one of those chicks that has 5 children… only, I’m extra insane because my last 3 were only 11mo. apart. So, at one crazy insane time, you’re looking at a Momma who had a newborn, an 11mo. old, and a 22mo. old. All in diapers. One on the boob, two on the botle. And none of them sleeping through the night. Oh, lets not forget my other 2 dear school-aged children who were only 6 and 8 at the time. Life was FULL, my hands & hips were always full, but oh.. so was my heart. Watching your children together, esp. close in age, is the biggest blessing God could pour out. As far as your friend who made the trip to Calfi with her 3 kids in tow, solo. Yeah, well… I made a trip by myself as well. Simply to the Drs. office, literally 5min. from my house. One strapped in a bjorn, the other 2 in a double stroller, of which I had to fight w/ the stroller just to get it in the elevator. By the time we reached the top, my almost 2 year old was wanting out, trying to climb over. The newborn was crying. I was (never) so excited to return to my house in all of my life. It doesn’t help that I’m only 4″11, no 4 inch heels back then, lugging around babies… oh, no!! So the looks alone makes me chuckle even now. πŸ™‚ After that little outting, I pretty much stayed a hermet, and quite frankly… I woudln’t have changed things for the world. It was SUCH a sweet season in our lives. Busy? Oh, you have no idea….. my husband traveled 3-4 nights out of the week, so sister balanced it solo… with no sleep, no make-up, no showers on most days… (but), it eventually got easier, but oh.. the smiles, the laughter. It was honestly one of the best times in my life. πŸ™‚ My “babies” are now 9, 10, 11, 16, and 19. Time flies, and your heart never stops stretching. Your abilites as a Momma only get better. So girlfriend, take a deep breath and know that you will have as much time for one child, as you do for two. My girls (yes, all 5 are girls!) are my entire world…… πŸ™‚ allow the fear and comparrison to vanish, it’s just there to steal your joy. ‘You got this!”….. you’re going to do GREAT!

  • Reply
    Kristin Sahagun
    June 27, 2012 at 3:42 pm

    You’ve gotta trust me on this. Giving your son a sibling is the best gift you could ever give him. Teaching him to share, wait his turn and to have a front row seat in watching you (and helping you) love and take care of another human being are priceless tools that will assist in growing him into a selfless, loving adult. In a world that is so over-scheduled, I completely understand how your thoughts on uncertainty can overwhelm you and make you freak out. Take comfort in knowing that you are enough. God will give you all you need to get through each day…and while it might be a little messy, or a lot messy….embrace it and remember comparison is the thief of joy!

    Kristin Sahagun- an imperfect Momma of four

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    Casey Jensen Candiracci
    July 7, 2012 at 9:05 pm

    Just the simple fact that this is a concern, shows what a wonderful mother you are! Growing up with Ben, I can only imagine the love that your home will hold for both lil W and the new addition…they will both be greatly blessed! As a mother of 4, I remember being terrified EVERY time I added a new addition. How was I going to spread my love so far, how would I make time for each one, how would I make them all feel special, and so on and so forth. It is just one of the gifts our Heavely Father has given us, I am not sure how, but it is! He may not be getting 100% of your attention, but 100% of your love is so much more and he will be blessed with the attention and love of a wonderful big brother and devoted father! I wish you all the best, your life will never be the same…your blessings will be doubled!!

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    Birth Story and a Change of Heart - Mommy Tales, My Life, Real Life - Little Miss Momma
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