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Secret Series Finale: Brave Women Reveal Tough Secrets {link up YOUR secrets}

Secret Series Conclusion
{link up your secrets}
A Step Momma’s Secret:
I’m ashamed of my secret but I know that others may share the same one.
I’m not sure that I like my step-children,
and I’m not sure that I like my husband sometimes due to his children.
I try really hard to like them-I really do.
I try to plan birthday parties, or help with homework, or even something like making dinner or helping clean their rooms.
I seek help through counseling and on-line step-mom groups.
Its not working. I feel like a complete failure.
-Anne

A Self Concious Secret:
I have been married for almost 5 months.
I have put on some weight since we got engaged in April,
and I am super self conscious about it.
My husband tells me that he can’t tell and that I am beautiful.
I just can’t agree with him.
I am getting where I don’t want him to touch me or see me because I feel so uncomfortable with myself.
I hate that I feel like he is just lying to me.
I just feel helpless and like I’m not good enough for him anymore.
-Julie
A Defeated Wife’s Secret
It’s late.
I should be in bed.
But I CAN”T SLEEP.
Because all I can think about is the fact that the man sleeping next to me-
MY HUSBAND-
has images of other women in his head.
YES. MY husband has a problem with PORNOGRAPHY.

This sad fact came to my attention about a month ago.
Due to job schedules, my husband and I were apart for a month at the beginning of the summer and a month at the end. Apparantly my husband’s ample free time led him to explore on the computer.
WHAT STARTED AS INNOCENT– browsing on the internet for something work or school or hobby related- turned worse as sidebar images of women in bikinis popped up.
Now being from southern California, this was not an umcommon sight for him. But something struck his fancy and he persued it.
Eventually he found himself SEARCHING FOR PORNOGRAPHY.
He knew it was wrong,
that it was degrading his marriage,
that it would injure his relationship with God.
But he still did it.
All the while I had NO IDEA.
When we were together during the summer, the problem “WENT AWAY.”
But when I left, he turned to images of OTHER WOMEN to keep him company.

He CONFESSED to me about a month ago.
I was shocked,
hurt,
angry,
scared,
jealous,
you name it.
But he was seeking help and truly seemed like he wanted to START OVER and sought sincere forgiveness. I was angry, but how could I not forgive the MAN I LOVE for falling into Satan’s trap? So life moved on.
I thought things were going better.
He even installed computer software to protect from pornography. The password was even “I LOVE MY WIFE”.
I thought the days of pornography were in the PAST…
UNTIL TODAY.

When I found out that my husband was AGAIN looking at pornography.
Now I am not just hurt. I am CRUSHED, I am not just angry, I am FURIOUS and RESENTFUL.

Why him?
Why me?
Am I not a good enough wife?
Do I not please him?
Is it that apparant I’ve missed the gym the past… 5 months?
He assures me that is not the case at all.
But I DO NOT UNDERSTAND.
I do not understand, how he could let the power of Satan influence him to the point that he would push the boundaries of damaging or destroying our marriage. Sure, he seems repentant now and says, “I”LL NEVER DO IT AGAIN,” but I’VE HEARD THAT BEFORE.
Is it the end?
Will I ever be able to feel confortable in his arms.
Will I ever be able to know that I am the ONLY WOMAN he is thinking about? Or picturing?

And who can I confide in? NO ONE.
Because they will JUDGE my husband.
And goodness knows I am doing enough of that right now.
And I do not want that for him.
HE is having a hard time as it is, without friends and family chastising or ridiculing him.
And also because I LOVE HIM…with all my heart.
Even if he does have a problem… Heaven help me…
-Bella
  _______________________________________________________________________________
It’s me again, Ashley
Well what can I say,
Secret Week has been inspiring,
but it has also been heart wrenching and emotional.
Every night I went to bed with silent prayers in my heart for the brave souls who had confided their deepest darkest secrets with me.  It was a lot to take in.
There were so many secrets I was not able to share, simply because the week wasn’t long enough.
But their stories touched my heart, and they will remain in my thoughts and prayers.
Now it’s your turn.
We want to hear your secrets,
to remind us that
WE’RE NOT ALONE!
this is your chance…
{you can link up for the rest of December}
You can grab your very own Secret Series Button on the right sidebar:
Simply copy the code, then got to “add a gadget” in your blogger dashboard, then add “html”, then paste the code, then click “save” {that’s it}!

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1 Comment

  • Reply
    Anonymous
    January 31, 2011 at 6:59 am

    I know I am a little late commenting on this, but I just wanted to add my two cents. Bella- Again, as many others have divulged, my husband and I have gone through these trials. We have been married for 7 years, and his problem started our first year of marriage. Needless to say, we had a rough past 6 or so years. There was a point where we were separated and I wasn't sure we were going to stay together. We sought counseling, met with our Bishop, everything. That was one of the hardest times of my life. I, too, had SO much anger and resentment (the list of emotions could go on, right?). I read an Ensign article during that time that was a wife's experience dealing with this issue, and I had the hardest time accepting the counsel support my husband and try to make things better and happier. I just didn't feel it. My biggest regret was that, at that point, I decided to stop caring. I know this sounds bad, but it was my way of coping. It was the worst decision I made. Not necessarily just because of how it affected our relationship, but because of how it affected my relationship with the Lord. I didn't understand at the time that when I turned off my feelings for my husband, or put a wall between us, that I was also putting a wall between me and the Lord. I didn't fully understand that marriage is a three-way communication, and if you cut off one, you cut off all. I let my fear, anger, resentment etc. take over for a time, even though I continued on with my normal life, and have lived to regret that decision.
    Fast forward a few years. It has taken SO much time and effort, but I can honestly and TRULY say that I love my husband more than I have ever loved him, and I am happier than I have ever been in our relationship. I struggle to forgive myself for not being there when my husband needed me because I allowed my reactions to outweigh the eternal perspective our marriage has. He has worked SO hard, and honestly, still isn't perfect. He is often tempted, which I believe he always will be because Satan knows that that has been a weakness, and you know him, he will always attack, and will try new ways to attack the same weakness. My husband understands this now and that also helps him to overcome that temptation. My honest advice would be don't turn away from him. Allow yourself to feel these feelings of betrayal, anger, frustration, lack of trust, etc. etc. etc., and when you are able, decide to forgive him. One thing I have learned through this long-lasting trial is that the Lord NEVER gives up on us, and that through His Atonement, we CAN forgive our husbands. Go to the Temple, if you are able, and pray until you feel it. The Lord will lead and guide you, and I promise, if you stick this out and work through it with the amazing Atonement Christ freely offers, your marriage can be even STRONGER than it was before, or even could have been. Remember that the Lord gives us trials so that we can be strong. He will not ask you to suffer more than you are able, and what I have learned from that, is that when you get to the breaking point, and you just KNOW you can't take ONE MORE THING, turn to the Lord, and HE will take the rest. I KNOW this works!!! I pray that you will have peace in your heart and know that even though the Lord does not want your husband to have this weakness and for you to go through this trial, you can become better and stronger because of it.
    I hope this helps! 🙂 <3

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