SECRET WEEK: secret #3
{need to get caught up, click here}
This Momma’s secret is intense–and it touched me to the very core. Here it is:
Dear LMM readers,
My secret is horrible.
And I want you to know that I’ve told no one else except my husband,
not even my Mum because I’m affraid of how she will look at me after.
Uh, it’s hard to write.
Basically my Husband has been away for 9 months training to be a police officer. He’s just finished and started work near home today so I’m hoping things get better. While he was away I started out okay…
keeping the house clean,
keeping up with the washing,
going to work and taking kids to childcare
and basically keeping my kids entertained and happy.
But then, the longer he was away, the worse I got.
Several things slipped, the washing was just an enormous mountain. Going to the supermarket seemed like an insurmountatble task. I forgot to put out the bins for collection–a few weeks in a row….
Worse still, my relationship with my eldest son became unbearable.
He’s only 3 and as 3 yr olds do, he started pushing the boundaries to see what he could get away with while daddy was gone.
He stopped listening to me.
He ignored anything I asked him to do.
He yelled, he screamed.
I would have to ask him 10 times to get him to pick up his toys.
He drew on the brand new hardwood floor I had laid for his dad’s birthday.
My nerves were shot.
I had lost control of my son.
And there was no one to pick up the slack.
Every morning I would get up and it would start all over again.
At the same time I was losing control of myself.
I became soooo quick to anger.
Not just anger, real rage.
And while I was almost screaming at my 3 yr old, (oh that’s painful to write)
I was thinking “Stop!! He’s just a child, he doesn’t know!”
Eventually for the last month I could barely look at him with any real affection. How disgusting is that?!
It’s getting better now that my husbands home home.
But what I worry about now is have I mentally/emotionally scared him?!
Have I somehow stunted him by the way I’ve treated him?
Oh god what sort of mother could do that to their child? Me. I’m that sort of Mother (oh my gosh, thats like being stabbed)
I never ever imagined being a Mother could push me to become such a monster. And I have no real exuse. I only hope my poor little boy can forgive me.
He still likes to hold my hand and cuddle on the couch with me.
He still tells me that I’m his best friend (and it makes me feel even more guilty). And he still runs to me when I pick him up from day care yelling ‘Mummy! I missed you!’.
He’s such a beautiful soul and I am so blessed that he is mine.
So there it is in black and white. I don’t know what you will think when you read this. I’m so ashamed. I don’t think that when you asked for secrets you were really after something like this! So I’m sorry to dump this in your inbox and please don’t feel that you need to reply.
It does feel better having someone else know…
I guess…
-Kate
Let’s show Kate some comment love, shall we
I will be posting several secrets daily throughout this entire week. So be sure to check back often, you’re not going to want to miss these.
You can grab your very own Secret Series Button on the right sidebar—->
Simply copy the code, then got to “add a gadget” in your blogger dashboard, then add “html”, then paste the code, then click “save” {thats it}!
On Friday, we will conclude this portion of the Secret Series with a link up party–where I will encourage YOU to link up a post with your secret {no matter how big or small–serious or silly}.
Send it to [email protected]
And please let me know your “alias” or if I can use your real name.
3 Comments
Erica @ Acire Adventures
February 11, 2011 at 5:28 ami know this post is a few months old, but I just couldn't help commenting. When I was a child, my parents split up. My dad moved out and my mom thought that our house was so very important to my sister and I that she bought my dad out of his half instead of selling it and buying a much more appropriately sized house. Not only did she take on a huge amount of debt by doing this, but also a ton of extra work that came with taking care of the large house, yard, dog, etc. all alone. We still saw my dad, but my mom was definitely the primary caregiver.
Needless to say, there were times when she would get very stressed out. I was a pretty carefree (and often careless) child. And she yelled. She yelled at me a lot. And one time, it got a little worse than yelling. I was TERRIFIED of my mom as a child. Sometimes she would apologize when she really overreacted, but I don't remember getting many apologies. It really, really would have meant a lot to me if she would have explained herself at the time. A child doesn't understand the responsibility placed on a woman who is left alone with such a massive responsibility, and as a three year old, he won't fully understand even when it is explained to him, but someday he will GET IT. And if you took the time to explain to him where you are coming from, to be honest and show him the respect and trust that it takes to share such intimate and hurtful emotions, then he will respect that. My mom and I had a ton of conflicts the whole time I lived with her. As a teenager I went from fearing her, to resenting her. I rebelled a lot. I also became resentful of my sister because I was always yelled at and punished, my sister was amazingly well behaved. It caused a lot of problems because it went unresolved, and finally at the age of 20 I got it all ironed out and finally put it all to rest. It would have been a lot easier if I had understood before that.
And Kate, good luck! I really wish you the best. Boys can be such a handful and I can't even imagine having to manage parenting duties alone, plus everything else in life. You are not alone, and you are NOT A BAD MOM. You are a human, none of us are anywhere near perfect.
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