grow

I Should Be…

{I wish}

I should be doing laundry right now.

I should be cleaning out the fridge from last weeks leftovers.  I should be washing my couch slip covers. I should be going on a run.  But mostly I should be sleeping {something I have missed for the past 8 months}. I should be doing all of these things, but instead I am blogging at 11:41 pm.

I am blogging to keep my sanity.  I am blogging to hold onto that last shred of time that is still all mine. I am blogging to keep myself from going into Lil W’s room where he has been crying for the past 45 minutes.  This may sound harsh to some of you so let me give you a little background. 

Tomorrow is Baby W’s 8 month birthday and in all 8 of those months he has never once slept through the night–not even close.  And yes, I blame myself.  I have read every book, browsed every website, and attempted every “sensitive” approach possible. Nothing has worked. Then, after a long talk with a close and honest friend (and mommy-in-training as well), I realized what I was doing wrong.  

I have been so busy hanging on every word of all the advice given by every mom I know AND trying out all the methods they have suggested, that I failed to focus on just ONE method until it worked.  And tonight that method is the “cry it out method”–and it is killing me. 

It is taking every shred of strength I have to not go scoop him up until his sobs subside.  Just think big picture, I keep telling myself.  You don’t want to have to get up with him every night for the next three years, I remind myself.  This is whats best for him, right?

And its questions and thoughts like these that plague a mommy-in-training.  This is something they don’t prepare you for when you are pregnant.  No one tells you that you will feel like the biggest failure and the biggest success at the same time.  No one tells you that you will feel helpless when you don’t have all the answers.  No one tells you of the overwhelming fear and anxiety you will have for your little one’s health and future.  No one tells you that you will feel incompetent when you compare yourself to other new moms you know.  No one tells you about the guilt you will have when you lose your patients. All anyone tells you is that this will be the hardest thing you ever do.  And now you know what that really means.
And then just when I think that I have nothing left to give, I remember this:
and this
and this
Then I do my best to snap out of it and remind myself of a saying I have heard often:

 “Nothing worth having comes easy”. 
and

And I can tell you that, for me, there is nothing more worth having than my little family.

-ashley (Little Miss Momma-In-Training)

On March 8, 2010 • By
6

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6 Comments

  • Reply
    Kristyn
    March 8, 2010 at 6:12 pm

    From one mother-in-training to another, you do an amazing job. Wesley is the sweetest little boy and you can tell how much he is loved. We all lose it, I just did as a matter of fact with my little guy, and you feel horrible afterwards but we are all a work in progress. Nothing prepares you for this and yet despite all the tears and frustrations it is all worth it. Jack didn't sleep through the night until he was 9 months old, so I have been there too. Hearing them cry breaks your heart but eventually it will stop, and he will sleep. Until then just keep going, one night at a time, cry when you need to, and eat chocolate (it helps).

  • Reply
    Nina
    March 9, 2010 at 6:44 am

    Amen sister! We have all been there, especially with our sick little boys. But Wes is such a sweet little boy and quite the best buddy. You rock, don't forget that!

  • Reply
    Life's Sweeter with Chocolate
    January 12, 2011 at 11:39 pm

    Oh my goodness I could have written this! I actually said those words to myself yesterday – that it's what's best for him. My little man is 9 months and he just started putting himself to sleep. CIO is the hardest thing I've had to do… EVER! I just started blogging and I keep looking for a blog that's like a "parenting for dummies". You know all those random questions that you hate to call the doctors office to ask??? Anyway sorry for the long note, but I LOVE your blog and have a lot of respect for you!

  • Reply
    Misty Marie
    July 20, 2011 at 10:50 pm

    I know this is an older post, but I read and loved the book: "The No-Cry Sleep Solution" by Elizabeth Pantley. It totally worked for me, not sure if you heard of it or not, but its fabulous. Mayb for baby no. 2??

    xoxo, Misty

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