Loss and Heartache

I’ve talked to y’all about Casey before. About how she inspires me. About her strength. Her faith. Her story. Casey has blogged with us before…about her biggest fear. If you missed that touching post click here.

Today’s guest post by Casey is a bit of a sensitive topic.

If you’ve been ready Casey’s blog for a little while, then you probably remember the exciting day that she announced she was expecting her third precious baby.  And then you looked forward to her updates, the adorable photos of her perfect pregnant belly, her inspiring pregnant fashion, but mostly the pure love in her heart for her unborn babe.  If you were reading, then like me, you knew how lucky this baby would be…to live in a home where love and faith are the governing principles.

And if you you had been reading Casey’s blog on the day she announced that she had lost her precious baby, then, like me, your heart hit the floor. Tears filled your eyes, and a part of you felt the loss in your own heart.  Whether you have lost a child of your own or not, you felt some of Casey’s pain.

And while her heart was broken, Casey didn’t shrink from her pain. She wrote about it. And then she shared it with us, so we could know that we aren’t alone with our feelings…that others out there know exactly what we have been through, because they’ve been there too.  And I admire her all the more for this honesty and openness.  Thank you for giving us a piece of your heart Casey.

Here’s Casey:

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My name is Casey Wiegand, I am a freelance artist, wife and mama. 
I love painting and sharing our life through my blog…where you can expect pieces of my perspective on life, faith, kids, marriage, with touches of art, creative inspiration, projects and things I love along the way. I have two little ones in the hopes of lots more and am married to the love of my life :)
Today I want to have a coffee date with you. I don’t drink coffee actually but grab a cup, I’ll grab a coke and let me tell you a tiny piece of my story.
If we were hanging out, I would tell you I lost my baby last month. 
Baby #3. Addison.

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Being honest, at first, even with some tears I felt like I needed to be strong. I thought I can’t be sad…I have so much to be thankful for and people have suffered many losses like this before…Casey be strong. My mind is able to have good perspective, I know that I am blessed with 2 beautiful babies, I know we have never suffered a miscarriage before or dealt with any kind of infertility but the truth is…

I am hurt, heartbroken, sad, empty. 
I want back that baby. Addison. 
I want to be 4 and a half months pregnant 
(which is how far along I would be now).
I decided today I dont care if anyone out there in the world thinks it is silly that I am sad, devastated, heartbroken over this loss- because I need to be real about how I feel.
I looked at a baby that looked just like Aiden and Ainseigh at 3 months…and I know it would have grown up to look just like them and love me the way they do….and that little person is gone. It’s strange having a loss after having two children because I naturally imagine it looking and acting very similar to them… 
it had such a reality to it.
God is so good and does wrap us up in these times of heartache… and I trust with my soul that He has a plan. But it doesn’t soften the hurt. I was uneasy all morning the day I went to “deliver” baby Addison. I went with a huge lump in my throat.
My doctor is a beautiful soul…her nurses and staff truly are like family to me. They have walked through some hard hard things in my personal life along side with me as well as 2 rough starts. She cried along with us that day. She answered all my questions. I am sensitive soul- I take great care and respect to the little life that I had started in me and I wanted to make sure that afterwards, even so small, it was respected greatly. 
I miss the dreams we had for this child.
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Addison Wiegand.
 It made me feel better to give him/her a name…to think about the day I reach heaven he/she will be standing there, I will instantly know who he/she is and wrap my hands around so tight.
I love you sweet Addison. I am so sorry I was unable to have time with you here on earth… I don’t know or understand, but I love you just the same. Mama is coming someday and we will be together again. 
I love you sweet baby. so so very much.
“I find beauty in not only the beautiful things in life, but the bittersweet and sad as well. To me, there is something poignantly lovely about the human experience from its splendor to its grief. God created all our emotions, not just the happy ones, and for His good purposes. That’s why a good cry can feel so good. And hitting our limits forces us to look outside ourselves for a Savior. It is in the plea, when we’re at our end, that we can find that which is truly life-giving. Personally, my moments of deepest grief, deepest pain, have resulted in the most beautiful seasons in my heart. I’ve met God more intimately in those moments than in all the other pleasant ones combined. What isn’t completely lovely about that?”-Leslie
                               
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Ashley Stock
I'm Ashley. Sometimes I craft, occasionally I cook, everyday I write, and I'm always Momma. This is my blog. I keep it real while still seeing the rainbows and butterflies in all of life's lessons.
Ashley Stock
Ashley Stock
Ashley Stock

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Comments

  1. Such a beautiful post by such an beautiful person! Tears fill my eyes every time I think about what she must have gone through. What a blessing it is that she has the Lord in her life and a strong support system in all of her followers!! Much love and blessings to you BOTH!! XOXO!

  2. My heart aches for her. I am glad she is finding strength in her loss. What a beautiful family, and I am sure Addison will be waiting for her and her family in heaven. Beautiful post Ashley! I am going to go follow Casey now. Thanks!

  3. This post is truly touching. As I type, I have a small river running down one cheek. I am so inspired by Casey, and to think of all the different women from all walks of life that have endured this experience. I can’t imagine losing my own child- I’m only seventeen. I know one day I want to be a mother, goodness- I’ve dreamed of being a pre-k teacher, I love being around those littlies, but miscarrage is real. Death is real, and it’s so painful. She truly is an inspiration, as are the beautiful souls we meet day to day that struggle with memories and hardships they work every day to get through. And honestly, we are truly blessed to happen upon them, because they teach us something and provide something great for us- hope. A real, true promise of hope. They are the example that we can put one foot infront of the other and continue on, and we don’t have to continue on completely crushed. We can be strong and yet allow ourselves moments of weakness, we can find acceptance, and we can be built up by God’s grace and his spirit.
    I truly love this post, and appreciate it. :) It was breathtaking.
    XOXO
    Kesia Marie

  4. Unfortunately, I feel your pain. We lost our first (and only) last year. Today would have been his/her first birthday (or around today).

    Like you said, I miss the dreams we had for this child.

    God will get us through this and will take care of our babies until we meet them again. :)

  5. No matter how many times i read this, it makes me cry. I love caseys honesty. And what a platform to share the testimony of this experience with others who may or may not have walked in thoes same shoes.
    Mally

  6. Im so so very sorry you had to go through loosing your sweet baby girl…my heart is aching for you. I have to, lost a baby. My very first pregnancy, at 8 weeks. No matter where your at in your pregnancy, the hurt is still the same. It was still a child that you made. I am so grateful for our Savior. He knows every feeling were having, and helps us carry our burderns, and can remove them, if we turn to him in faith and prayer. Im thinknig of your family, and again, im so sorry youve been through a lot. Your a strong person, and an amazing mother!

  7. My heart goes out to Casey. We recently suffered a similar loss. I wasn’t as far along, but it’s devastating and heartbreaking all the same.

    Reading Casey’s story helped me be stronger about it. She is so inspiring. <3

  8. That is such a precious post. We lost our first baby in February of this year and it was heart breaking. We found out we were pregnant just days before losing our precious miracle.

  9. I love Casey and I loved the way she shared about her loss. I related to her because of my loss. I love that you are sharing her story too. So many will relate. When I blogged about my story, so many women stepped forward to say they have NEVER talked about their loss with anyone till they commented on my post. I was so sad for them. I’m they type that likes to talk about it, to remember. Thanks for sharing Casey’s story here today.

  10. what a great post, I follow her blog and yours and you are all both amazing in every way!

  11. What beautiful, sad and inspiration words to read. I have lost 2 babies (one very early, the other at 3 mos) I mourned them both the same. I also believe I have 2 little angels waiting for me in heaven. Everything happens for a reason and only God knows what it is…I was blessed with 2 little girls, 1 each after the miscarriages so he gives us what we can handle. Im the proud Mama of 5 and am grateful everyday. Its inspiring to know someone has so much faith, I sometimes feel like Im lost and need to find my way home. Blessings to Casey and her beautiful family….and blessings to Little Miss Momma and hers as well. Inspiring, Faithful women.

    MJ
    Lucky 7 Design
    Mama J and Her Fashionistas

  12. I can not imagine how anyway gets through losing a child with out having God and his people to help them through it. I lost 2 children in 2009 and it was the greatest hurt I had ever known. But through prayer and the goodness of others I was able to smile again. God Bless you Casey for sharing your story.

  13. what a heartfelt real post. wow! she is such an inspiration. i too suffered a miscarriage with my first child. i now have a 3 year old daughter and am only about a month pregnant now. it is one of those things that constantly creeps up in my mind but reading this post made me remember WHO is in control. thank you for sharing this.

  14. wow, i’m emotional reading that too.
    i’ve been reading casey for months now and have cheered and cried at different times for her.
    i’ve had a miscarriage too and she says it so poignantly,
    “I want back that baby… I decided today I dont care if anyone out there in the world thinks it is silly that I am sad, devastated, heartbroken over this loss- because I need to be real about how I feel.”
    this is so true after a miscarriage.
    your heart just can’t go on.
    that’s what makes it so hard for people looking in, never having been in the same situation.
    you just keep living in limbo… thinking, remembering, still dreaming of that little baby.
    love and hugs to casey… and to all women dealing with miscarriages and losing babies.

  15. Thank you so much for sharing your story. I am so sorry for your loss of baby Addison. I too understand all the pain and emotions that come from such loss. I have been pregnant twice, and sadly lost both babies. Often I fill find myself thinking or remember how far along I would have been, especially as holidays and special events pass. It is easy for me to want to hold onto my anger and pain, but I remind my self that my babies are only in my future, as I know I will be with them again one day. I admire you for opening up and being real about your emotions through all of this. Thoughts, prayers and hugs to you and your family!

  16. Casey, you are an inspiration. God bless you.

    emma :)

  17. I’m so sorry for Casey’s loss. What courage it takes to share that loss and pain. What joy we have in knowing we will see our loved ones in Heaven!

  18. I am so so sorry for your loss of Addison. THat you never got to hold or know or interact with your baby. But your baby is real and your pain is real and that is hard for our society to acknowledge. I wish it werent. I wish there was some magical closure or ceremony or SOMETHING that could ease your pain I am so sorry. thank you so much for sharing and so beatifuly with such great perspective. I KNOW that your words will allow someone else to mourn and cry and feel OK miss their baby.

  19. Wow. I am all teary-eyed. I am amazed by her honesty, but more by her faith & her strength.

    Beautiful post!!

  20. Every time I read her story, I can’t help but get teary eyed and think of my sweet baby girl that I lost at almost 6 months. What an example she is to share her story for other’s to hear. She’s an inspiration to all mom’s who lose a child. They day we see our babies again will be a glorious day!!

  21. YOU ARE AMAZING! I could NOT hold back the tears running down my face. YOU are strong and have such a sweet spirit and strength about you. I am a artist aswell (most days- haha) but as with some of my paintings, I loved there was more to them than meets the eye. There is so much to this life we don’t understand but these trials make us stronger if we let them. I know God gives us trials to test us to make our faith stronger. He wants us to make it back to Him and our forever families. I’ve had my own trials, not loosing a lil spirit, but, that is when whatever I was feeling I had to give back to Christ, know he went thru that same heartache, loneliness, pain, emptiness and allow the atonement to take it’s course. Thanks for your simple honest vulnerable words. My heart yearns for your loss. – Missy

  22. I feel her heartbreak… May God heal her pain over time.

    After nearly 3 years of trying, I became pregnant… only to lose my sweet baby a week later. I was devistated. However, two months later I was pregnant again… surprise. 10 months after giving birth to my sweet daughter…. Surprise… I was pregnant again to another daughter. My pregnancy kept my heart from aching after a terrible life changing situation took place.

  23. I too share your pain. I have two babies in heaven that I look forward to seeing someday. It makes me so thankful for the daughter I do have. It also helps me to think of my two babies being held protectively by our Father, I know that he cares for them better than I ever could. Over time the pain does lessen, Its been about 6 years since the first miscarriage, I still think of my baby, but the hurt is not as bad or as painful as it was then. Keep looking to God for your comfort, He is the ultimate Comforter.

  24. What a “real” post that was. It took me back almost twenty years…yes that pain is still in my heart also. So many good souls tell us we can have more childrend or that we are blessed with a child or children already so the pain should be less. It isn’t…I wanted THAT baby back…not a new baby or just be thankful for the son I already had. My heart wanted that baby. My loss turned even worse when I found out the type of pregnancy I had had was cancer. I had to go through 12 months of monthly tests to see if the cancer was developing before I could even think about getting pregnant again. Even worse….I was not a Christian at the time. I couldn’t find any reason for the loss and pain except that I got a bad deal from God…tough luck. Instead I was healed from the cancer, had a beautiful girl 2 years later (who is now 18) and found my Saviour along the journey many years later. I am thankful now for what I experienced…but holding that pain for awhile is necessary before you can move on. Much love to you Casey….Addison will be waiting for you…not as an infant but in a shape or way that you will instantly know…without a doubt it’s your baby in Heaven.

  25. How beautifully written, my heart goes out to Casey. I lost a baby at 3 months pregnant, after I had seen him/her on an ultrasound, after I had heard the heartbeat. A few months later, I was pregnant with my 2nd child, who I love more than life itself and wouldn’t be here had I not lost that pregnancy. But, it doesn’t mean I don’t think about “what if” or that I miss THAT baby any less. I’m so blessed to have 2 beautiful sons, but the baby I lost in between those boys will never be forgotten.

  26. Thank you so much for sharing this with such openness. I had a miscarriage with my first pregnancy. We had already been trying to get pregnant for over six months, and having a miscarriage was the straw that about broke this camel’s back. I was losing hope of being the one thing I wanted to be more than anything – a mommy. I wanted babies of my own, and wanted to bless my husband with them as well. My sister-in-law actually had a miscarriage just days before I did, and I think we both drew strength from one another. The difference was that like you, she had 2 beautiful children at home. We both tried again as soon as possible and I became pregnant two months later. She did not. This became very difficult for her, and I knew how hard it was to be around me since I felt the same way while my other sister-in-law had been pregnant the entire time I couldn’t get pregnant. I prayed all the time that God would keep my baby safe and that he would bless my sister-in-law with another baby. God had a plan to bless us both! She eventually became pregnant too, and I delivered my precious baby girl a week earlier than expected, while my sister -in-law delivered her third son 5 weeks later. My nephew was several weeks early and spent two weeks in the NICU, but is doing extremely well now. Both my sister-in-law and I have since each had another baby (both boys!) and have been so blessed. People have such a hard time understanding why I still have a hard time talking about my first sweet baby, especially since I have been blessed with 2 other beautiful children. It’s a hole never filled, and I know that I will never stop thinking of or wondering about the little one I lost. I appreciate the openness you wrote this post with to both give strength to those who have been in your place as well as for those who have not been through such an experience to better understand. Many blessings to you and your family Casey!

  27. We just lost our baby/pregnancy 1 week ago today after 2 years of infertility and trying to conceive. In a blink of an eye our miracle was gone. I couldn’t sleep last night as I kept thinking about what I was doing those very hours a week prior. I was doubled over in pain which no medicine could touch. We silently wept as our doctor told us in a dingy ER that our numbers were no longer climbing and she was certain this was an emergency for a rupturing ectopic pregnancy. Those hours were a blur. My hubs said it best yesterday, “Where are we? The twilight zone?”. I feel guilty for not being thankful all the time. Thankful I finally know I CAN be pregnant (6 months ago during last surgery we didn’t think this was ever going to be possible). Thankful my crashing vital signs and bleeding didn’t take my life. Thankful for all the other blessings God has given us. I find myself talking myself out of anger and sadness. I find myself coaching myself away from feelings of loss when there is so much to be thankful for. I know God has granted us the privilege of being a momma and daddy, but it’s not going to be on this earth but in Heaven. Our child will know no pain, no suffering, no war and pets will be lions/dolphins/elephants. It’s a glorious privilege, but I am still sad.

    Thank you for this post.
    Devastated in Orlando,
    Erika

  28. Casey, thanks for being totally honest. It’s a blessing to us and it’s a blessing to you. I lost two babies 9/10 years ago. The medical community didn’t offer much to me back then. There also wasn’t wonderful and honest blogs after my loss. Your writing will lift another heart broken mama up one day, she will find peace in your words because she will not suffer alone. Thank you.

    May God give you peace. Take comfort in Him.

    Thank you Little Miss Momma for hosting.

    Tami C.

  29. Oh my heart just aches for her!!!! This month we celebrate/grieve the birth of our son Harrison that would have been 3 years old at the end of the month. He was born at 21 weeks gestation. It is so hard to lose a baby/child. I too went through the feelings she did, thinking, I shouldn’t grieve or show I’m sad, others will think I’m weird or not understand. So I did, I held it in for almost 2 months and then bam it hit me! I needed to grieve, needed to grieve for my baby for me. I love my Harry! I felt so much better talking about it and grieving. I am grateful for her story! She will raise Addison again someday. My love and prayers go out to her and all those that I hear lose a baby.

  30. I got half way through this post, I couldn’t read it anymore. exactly this time last week I went in for a D&C. The previous day I had a doctors appointment, I was 13 weeks along and so excited to hear the heartbeat. There was no heartbeat…they did 6 different test. I didn’t want to believe it, how could I find out this way. I am still in shock and hope to some day read the rest of this post. Thanks for sharing.

  31. As someone who has had 4 miscarriages, I know how hard it must have been for Casey to share her story. It is such a painful thing to have to go through. Her story will help other women out there who are going through a miscarriage to heal and know that they are not alone.
    God bless.

  32. I am so sorry to hear of your loss, Casey. It is something you never really get over, and only time will heal you. I too suffered a miscarriage. It was my second pregnancy and it was really hard on me. I was angry for a long time and I blamed so many other people for it. Luckily I have since been able to move on, but it isn’t something I will ever forget. I am now pregnant with baby #3, so there is hope and light at the end of the tunnel! Good luck with everything :) Your family is beautiful!

  33. Love you, Casey! Your precious Addison and my sweet baby Riley are waiting for us in Heaven. <3

  34. I’m so sad for her!!! She’ll never forget her baby. Losing a child is like loosing a finger. Even if you have others, one will definitively missing. Tendres pensées, be strong!

  35. I just love Casey. My heart dropped when I read her post about her miscarriage. I cried for her like I cried for my own sweet babies I lost through miscarriage. The irony of it all was that just a couple months before she featured my post about my second miscarriage—-a post that she inspired me to write when I all I wanted to do was crawl in a hole and hide in my grief. She is such a beautiful person inside and out and is always in my prayers!

  36. Thank you for sharing this with us, I’m sure it wasn’t easy. you really should read “Heaven is for real” and read the true story about the boy who died for a little bit and went to heaven. It’s got a part about miscarried babies that I think you’d really truly appreciate :) It’s a short read (I read it in 3 hours) so I hope you’ll grab a copy :)

    • Veronica Carpenter says:

      yes! I agree. My dear friend who lost her 3 year old son a couple years ago read this and it was so good for her. I want to read it myself

  37. OMG, My heart aches for her and her family!! Casey TY for sharing this story with us. Precious Addison may you rest in peace!!

  38. Veronica Carpenter says:

    I am finding that your blog (and others I have found through you) is so much more than finding awesome crafty, creative things to do. It’s more than finding an outlet. It’s sharing life. It’s God meeting me through your posts and Casey’s as well. I like how God takes care of those things. The creative, the emotional, the spiritual. I’ve said it before and I will say it again; thank you.

  39. Two years ago I had a miscarriage which almost took my life. After that some people could not understand how sad I was too lose my child…people kept telling me I should just be happy that I was still alive. This post really touched my heart…I know her pain and in a way it helped close a chapter in my life.

    thank you.

  40. I lost my first baby 23 years ago. I stood in my living room last month remembering that awful day 23 years earlier when I came to grips with the reality that I would never hold that child in my arms…until we meet again. Thank you, God, that we have that assurance. Without it, life would be so sad. God bless you as you grieve this little one. For me, God has abundantly awarded us with 8 beautiful babies. We just celebrated the oldest birthday this week. 22 years. God knows exactly what He’s doing… even when we can’t understand.

  41. I love Casey’s blog & she has such a beautiful family. I am so sad that she lost her baby :( I truly admire her strength!

    M x http://www.whatwegandidnext.com

  42. Thank you so much for putting my feelings into words. I too have lost baby #3 at 4 months. Baby Ella. I am not sure if she was a girl. My husband and I had only picked out a girl name at the time that we lost her. I watched her weekly on the sonogram. I truly missed her and all of dreams that we had for her. I also lost a year later baby #4 at 8 weeks. It was so hard to talk about it with others because they just don’t know how to talk about it.
    I admire your faith and devotion. I have had a hard time coming to terms with God on this loss. It has been a year now since our loss and I still have so many mixed feelings about God and our loss.
    Thank you again. Bless you.

  43. Hi Casey, Wow I just read your story. I myself can totally relate. I lost my son Michael at age 27 years old and it was 4 years ago when my reality and heartache began. So I an glad that you just put it out there an how you feel about it. I do the same as well. It takes every fiber of my being to just put one foot in front of the other and to just have to move forward in this journey that we didnt pick! I wish you nothing but strength, love’ and peace in your soul. Thankyou for sharing.

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